A long long time ago in a cruddy suburb far far away, I actually got paid to write something. It was for a website called "Oh, The Humanity!" that specialized in glorifying awful things. One guy wrote about bizarre toys from years past, another dug out the worst songs and music videos he could find and made funny by hating on them. I joined this little family, as my specialty is bad movies. A while ago I found a folder full of reviews on an old computer, and since the website is defunct and the site name has been filched (bummer), I thought I’d repost some choice cuts here.

 

Below are some of my favorite bad movie reviews, posted with minimal editing. The odd references to wrestling are because the site also hosted a fantasy wrestling league I was a part of, which of course specialized in terrible gimmicks. I once won a title by playing a stable of wrestlers that were all the same real-life guy in a variety of goofy personas he’d worked under. That’s how seriously we took it.

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And so, I present to you the very first thing anyone ever paid me to write. Can you believe I got $6 per review for this?

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(All written materials may not be used or reproduced without permission. That means it's mine, except for the posters. Who knows who owns them?)